When You’re the Parent
By Julie K. Silver, MD
Breast cancer survivor Julie K. Silver, MD, celebrated five years of survivorship by publishing What Helped Get Me Through: Cancer Survivors Share Wisdom and Hope (October 2008), a new book that she created for the American Cancer Society. An award-winning author of more than a dozen books, including After Cancer Treatment: Heal Faster, Better, Stronger (Johns Hopkins University Press, 2006), Dr. Silver received the American Cancer Society’s prestigious Lane Adams Quality of Life Award in 2006 for her dedication to making survivorship a distinct phase of cancer care. She is an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School in the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation and is on the medical staff at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Massachusetts.
As a mother of three, Dr. Silver also knows something about what it means to manage a cancer diagnosis and parenthood simultaneously. Together with some of the contributors from her recent book, she shares some tips for making it through the challenges that survivors face.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003, I had three young children at home—one of whom was still in diapers. I had concerns about whether I would be able to be there for them during my treatment and how they would cope with the changes I would be going through.
There were certainly times during my journey when I felt overwhelmed. Once, in the middle of the night following a chemo session earlier that day, I found myself sitting on the floor of an emergency room with my daughter. My husband was home with our two other children, and I was waiting for a doctor to be able to see my daughter. The chair I had been sitting on was covered with my daughter’s vomit, and I was too weak to stand. Those were not easy times to fill my role as a parent.
But on other occasions, life seemed to go on almost normally—until I would remember my diagnosis. Watching my two daughters play with dolls one day during my own treatment—they were both acting out the role of “Mommy”—I suddenly thought: This is why I need to fight this disease—so my babies have a mommy. Though there is no doubt that taking care of children during cancer treatment makes the process more difficult, it also provides a great deal of joy and inspiration.
Coping as a Family
Although there may be only one person who is physically ill when a parent is diagnosed with cancer, the entire family is caught in the crossfire. Each family copes with the situation differently, but we can learn a lot by listening to the experiences of our fellow survivors.
Many times our children want to battle for us. Bernadette, a breast cancer survivor, describes the way her son took on the fight: “My son [then 10 years old] was running back and forth while I was sleeping, putting his soldiers around me and on me. He had put on his cape and mask, saying, ‘I am going to fight the cancer so my mommy won’t get sick anymore!’” Each child will “fight” and cope with the situation in his or her own way, and as parents our challenge is to recognize how to support each of their different efforts.
Beth, who was given a terrible prognosis after a liver cancer diagnosis in 1990, explains that she and her husband were honest with their then seven-year-old daughter. Though difficult, the family’s decision to be open, Beth says, instilled a deep sense of empathy in their daughter that has remained to this day: “Today she is a very compassionate young woman, with a heart for cancer patients.” Now a middle-school teacher, Beth’s daughter has a student undergoing cancer treatment, and she tells Beth that she is better able to help this child because of what she and her family went through so many years before. Though I know that when my own children are grown our family’s cancer experience will have left an indelible mark, I was heartened to learn of the ultimately positive outcome for this family.
We can’t help but have our personalities shine through in good times and in bad. When I was going through chemotherapy, I didn’t like my wig and rarely wore it. Instead I wore a baseball cap when I went out of the house. Joyce, a legal secretary who received a breast cancer diagnosis in 2006, had a different approach. She wanted to keep things “as normal as possible” for her family, so she never let her children see her bald head. As survivors, we will need to recognize how to honor our own needs for comfort and those of our family.
There’s No “Right” Way
The fact is, there is no “easy” or “right” way to nurture children when a parent has a cancer diagnosis, but consistent honesty (age-appropriate information, of course) and love go a long way toward helping children become empathic and resilient adults. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you will still be faced with challenging days and tough moments.
Nicki, who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when her oldest child was only six months old and then had a recurrence after she had two children, summed up parenting with cancer in this way: “I thought I had done everything possible to make it easy on my children, but it was still very, very hard.”
Ultimately, there are many ways to be a good mother, and though it is a challenge to nurture your children when you are ill, it is perhaps most important to keep in mind that they need love and attention just as much as ever and perhaps even more so during this time. Good mothers each have their own style and beliefs, so find your own path and nurture your family in a way that works for you.
The Big Picture
I never wanted my children to have to participate in my cancer diagnosis, but I couldn’t shield them from the reality of our connected lives. Though I don’t consider any serious illness a “gift,” I do think there are things that people can learn from facing life’s challenges. I hope that my children learned that while terrible things happen to people, our ability to be resilient is remarkable and wonderful. I cried many tears during and after my cancer treatment, but I also laughed and showed my kids what it means to be resilient when adversity strikes.
Five Things to Tell Your Children About Your Cancer
- It’s not your fault. Cancer is never anyone’s fault, even if there are risk factors that could have been avoided. Blaming oneself is never helpful, and it’s important to tell children that cancer is a group of diseases that some people get for reasons that are not entirely clear.
- It’s not their fault. Children believe that they have enormous power and influence—superpowers. They may mistakenly believe that they somehow had the ability to cause your cancer. Reassure them that it’s not their fault.
- People can’t catch cancer from other people. Explain that cancer is not like a cold that can be transmitted from person to person. Most kids are not old enough to understand explanations about genetics. Keep it simple and explain that you can’t catch cancer.
- Your doctors are smart and are working hard to help you. No matter what type of cancer you have, or what stage, the message should always be that you are getting the best help possible. If you aren’t getting the kind of help you need, work toward that goal. Your message should be honest, of course.
- You are still the same mom or dad who loves them—cancer doesn’t define you. Put cancer in its place. Don’t let your kids believe that a disease defines their parent.
From What Helped Get Me Through: Cancer Survivors Share Wisdom and Hope (American Cancer Society, 2008). Reprinted with permission.
